The 'No Contact' rule

 
 

 

I am going to preach something now that I didn’t live. At least not at first.

 

If your relationship is over, and if you WANT to feel better than you do right now, do NOT contact your ex.

No phone calls, no texts. No obsessively checking his Facebook page or stalking him on other social media channels. 

And no accessing his email or private messages, even if you know his password (btw, that he hasn’t changed it yet is not a sign that he wants you to know what’s going on).

 

Why?

Because every time you do any of these things, you feel worse. 

 

Darling, it is hurting you.

 

If you truly are meant to be together, it is going to happen. Trust. 

 

And remember the way we are wired as humans. 

We value what is elusive and difficult to obtain, and we don’t value what is readily available. 

This might be unfair, but look at yourself. You also want somebody more if he isn't constantly in your face (maybe this is part of the fascination your ex holds for you right now...).

 

Everybody does. So through contacting him you make him value you less. Plus, he doesn’t have a chance to miss you.

 

I am not writing all this because I believe that you guys should get back together. After all, there is a reason why you broke up in the first place (even if right now, you selectively remember the good stuff….).

 

If you want him back or not, no contact is the way to go!

 

When my man and I split up, we stayed on the same property. He in his house, me in mine, and our daughter going back and forth between us. 

And while that might sound like a very grown-up thing to do, the reality wasn’t as zen and idyllic. 

 

First of all, we were no longer together, but neither of us was able to move on either.

I couldn’t sleep on the nights he was out until I heard his car pull into the driveway. 

He didn’t dare bring anybody else home.

Our daughter became the messenger ('Tell daddy I need the sieve back' 'Ask mom if she has the egg piercer'…).

Eva and I watched Harry Potter once, after we had moved to Berlin, and there is a scene where Rob and Harry are not speaking, and use Hermione to pass messages back and forth, until she shouts that she is ‘not an owl!’ Eva exclaimed: ‘Check mom, this was me!’ 

Not my proudest parenting moments…

 

While we saw each other pretty much daily, none of us was able to heal. It took me 3 years (and moving to a different continent) before I was finally able to even consider the existence of other men.

 

Please don’t do that to yourself!

 

You might feel right now that you HAVE to stay connected to him in some ways. It feels like a powerful force that you can't resist. It feels like your life depends on it!

 

Would it make you feel better if you knew that there is a perfectly logical reason for this?

A reason that has nothing to do with soulmates and destiny and him being the One. 

 

Instead, it has to do with what our brains and bodies crave - homeostasis.

This is a state of being that is stable, and 'normal'. 

When you were with your partner, he became part of your routine. It was comfortable and known, even if all you did was fight. 

 

Now that the normalcy is gone, you go into shock.

Your brain doesn’t function properly anymore (which explains the stupid things we often do after a break-up), you feel confused, lost, out of control. 

 

Your brain wants your normal back, and this is why it urges you to contact your partner. It’s pretty much like an addiction.

And the way to get over being addicted to something is to go cold turkey, and not to have a little glass of wine whenever you feel like you cannot take it anymore to stay sober…

 

Yes, it is tough love. But it works! 

 

Let’s do something, shall we?

 

Promise yourself, your sisters, and me that you will not have any contact with your ex for 2 weeks. 

 

Nada. 

 

(Yes, checking his fb page is contact. Talking incessantly with your friends about what he might be up to is contact too.)

 

Do none of these things, and watch what happens. 

(Spoiler alert: you will feel BETTER! Pinky promise. You will begin to heal if you stop to constantly open the wound again).

 

Stop hurting yourself. Stay away from him!

 

And if you have kids together and have to be in contact occasionally, keep it to the bare minimum, and keep it polite…

 

You will get through this! And if you need help, I am here.

 

Sending you lots of love

 
 
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