Disclaimer: This blog post has been written shortly after my break-up. It is an example of being on the path. Today, I see things quite differently, and I hardly have expectations anymore.
After many many years of soul searching, meditation, yoga, workshops, healthy food, journaling and lots and lots of books on every esoteric topic imaginable, one little thing still trips me up.
Of myself, and also of others.
Particularly men. Most particularly my ex. We share a daughter, so there is no escaping. We also share a property, which often feels like complete lunacy.
And after 17 years I still have the same expectations of him I had a year into the relationship. To me, what I am expecting is nothing special or extraordinary, just ‘normal’ behavior. To him, it is not part of his world.
What so astonishes me (apart from the fact that another person can have such an obviously distorted view of life), is that I do not seem to be able to let go of these expectations.
And yet, I sit there every day in my work as a healer and coach, and tell people to let go. And I say it with conviction, because I know it is the right thing to do, and I can see clearly where they are standing in their own way.
I have been down all kind of pathways to explain my own behavior to myself. I dragged up everything from past life happenings to soul contracts, and yet I know that all this is just me hanging on.
And I am hanging on because I feel I am not being seen. And somehow, somewhere, being seen by somebody who can’t see me became strangely and scarily important.
Like who I am would become justified if only this one person realizes that who I am IS justified.
On an intellectual and on a spiritual level, I am very clear that who I am does not need any justification. But emotionally I am still stuck. Despite seeing what I am doing. Despite knowing (more or less) which childhood experiences are ‘responsible’. I have not been able to transform it yet.
And so I am living with it. Sometimes with more grace than other times.
Sometimes with a roaring anger, and sometimes with a quiet despair.
And every time I hop onto the roller coaster again, every time I realize I am getting angry or sad because he is not reacting in the way I am expecting, I sit with it afterwards and feel it as fully as possible.
Consciously suffering my emotions. Until they subside and I am still here. And I am fine. And then I forgive myself.
And one of these days I know that I will have set him free, and I will have set myself free.
And every day, I am expecting it to happen :-).
Lots of love
P.S: How are you dealing with recurring expectations?